A fair few friends are partner hunting, many of whom the arranged way. On popular demand, I dare to share how I had attempted to put a structure to this predominantly luck-driven process (which inarguably leaves a monumental imprint on your life). The aggregation of points/queries that follow was aimed at the twin objective of refining my own clarity on the desirabilities, as well as methodically (and with a high genuineness probability) figuring out where the other person stands w.r.t. those. Be sure of the bi-directional nature of this exercise: I was equally open to being scrutinized – grilled if you like – and was even dumped once or twice :). An amusing tactic (used twice) towards this end of systematized info capture was to get my baby sister to (missed) call me a couple of times during my private meeting, giving me a pretext to look into my cell, in which I had summed up these points :-). All these meticulous [:)] strategies, though, were rendered immaterial prematurely, as I met and fell (as in love) for Sejal shortly after hatching them. I had, however, employed them on over ten (arranged) candidates before that, and found them serving the purpose pretty damn well. Be mindful of the following being a guide as opposed to a script: Making these queries seamlessly fit into a natural-sounding conversation – and not an HR-type interview – was no trifling matter!
Format : Category (in bold) + Questions + Commentary (in blue)
Education (Engineers being the first pick, by far)
Why did you choose the stream/field that you did?
Herd mentality or an independent mind?
Job (As expected, only working females were sought)
How do you like the work? What plans next in the career?
A career oriented outlook to be opted for. The career may change course with time; the idea is to seek an energetic personality, driven to action.
A small matter of goals!
Things that you are very keen to accomplish, possess or be associated with?
Stress on the general disposition rather than the precise answers. The ‘live-in-the-moment’ philosophy is to be averted, although the clarity w.r.t the future need not be crystal.
Where to settle?
Which country? If India, any preferences for the city? Reasons?
Gujjus are mesmerized by the US. Watch out!
Cliched but crucial
What do you do on week-ends? What sorta things do you derive pleasure/satisfaction from (like partying, shopping, sports, debates)? Any noteworthy dislikes? Are there things that drive you furious?
A reckless squanderer is downright ruled out. Discussions and sports are most sought after.
Tunnel vision?
What kinda future (if any) have you envisaged after marriage? How much deviation from it can you survive without losing sleep?
Would you call yourself opinionated or flexible?
Desirability: opinionated, but not obstinate. We all ought to be open minded and revise opinions in light of new, sound facts/perspectives.
The great Indian wedding challenge
What all feature in your (rough) sketch of how to tie the knot?
My take on this is elaborated in the link at the end of the post (PS).
Money matters
What all things are must for you post marriage (A 2+ BHK (Bedroom Hall Kitchen) house, TV, AC, Car, Sofa)?
Assume that both of our salaries suddenly shoot up. What would you like to do with that extra money?
Too materialistic a bent of mind is a gross mis-match [one's deeds ought to be 'king-size', rather than lifestyle]. Guard against being appeased by insincere mentions of simplicity/charity. Try to assess the genuineness from non-verbal cues and any possible inconsistencies with the previous answers and the ones to follow.
Live it right, not just up!
I find it grossly unfair that heaps of people undergo abject suffering/poverty, through no fault of theirs. Hence, I have made it my foremost goal to contribute towards elevating them, with time as well as money. To what extent, would you approve of my such engagement if you were my wife? To what extent, would you wanna participate yourself?
Look out for a grimace, stunned silence, overzealous showering of praise, swift topic change, etc. (tell-tale signs of discomfort/ingenuity/apathy). Register her follow up questions/comments firmly in the memory. It’s perfectly alright if she seems to wanna strike a balance (pleasures vs responsibilities): The likes of Mother Teresa are a distinguished but rare breed, and I am no Mahatma Gandhi either. However, genuine concern is the minimal prerequisite, and a sincere intent for active involvement a massive desirability.
Absorbing the cycling shock!
Climate-responsible living is our irrefutable, ever so vital responsibility. As part of that, I ride a bicycle to work. I trust that you – and most other folks from our generation – wouldn’t have a hassle with that. However, my own parents/relatives have not yet come to terms with it, so wouldn’t expect a drastically different reaction from yours either [Not their idea of a status symbol :)]. Are you game for standing up to all that and building ties with a man they might term an outcast? Of course, I don’t expect you to embrace (any of) this, unless/until you make up your own mind to do so.
Again, keep a wide eye out for all subtle indicators mentioned earlier.
Religion [No, I ain't talking cricket :)]
How much of a believer are you? Would my being an atheist be a cause of concern? I have always been curious as to how people juggle faith and reason. How do you?
Blind faith is a definite recipe for a disaster.
PS: This post on our wedding {theme, reasons, snaps} may also interest you.
Filed under: General Musings | Tagged: ambitious, arranged weddings, career-minded, compatibility, hobby, house wife, life partner, love marriage, match, preferences, questionnaire, religious, requirement specification, systematic approach
Respect Bro Respect !
I’ve had a great learning experience from your marriage and commitments. Trying to add my two cents inspired by it as well.
Though society by and large remains a killer I’ll be doing my bit within the norms trying to keep all the parties at bay !
I also had points something similar but it was looking for more straight forward answers than for any cues.
Dude,
When did you steal these from my mind ?.
Really, If I get to that phase.. I am gonna use all these to make the match :). Your take on education is questionable though. Seems you are too much into the ‘Engineers are good at analytical thinking’ stuff (probably because of the consequent benefits of reasoning mind) . Not disputing that. But in our times compassion is the trait to go with.
[...] Pulkit has recently got married, and met his better half through an “arranged” marriage. During the course of the hunt, he had prepared a short questionnaire for himself to methodically ask the right set of questions. He shares those with us: Cliched but crucial [...]
Pulkit, although I have linked to this post of yours from Blogbharti, I personally don’t agree with all you’ve listed out here. Basically, your list can help sort out a subset of everyone who is a potential life-partner and narrow down the search, but the list would be complete if you could also tell where and how to find the spark that connects two people.
All the best for your life ahead! :)
@Sudipta: Well, I too always viewed it as being necessary as opposed to sufficient :). It lets you zero in on a handful of candidates with whom you can have further free-wheeling conversations [I made it a point to do some outdoor as well :)] until you have hunted down an adequately close match! Besides, ’spark’ is a largely ill-defined, fluid concept :-).