I and a couple of friends were engaged in what was intended to be nothing more than a chitchat when things stirred up. We were wondering away at some imminent wed locks when we digressed a shade onto the contentious dowry issue. We were ridiculing the outrageous amounts that some of our batch mates would receive, should they choose to accept. The last part of the previous statement is of interest here: Whether the dowry will be turned down or not, if offered. I always thought (childishly, in hindsight) that all the people, as well educated as I am, would not even contemplate accepting it. However, I was proven spectacularly wrong when, one of my friends, the one who had forked this topic into discussion, said while he would never “ask for” any kinda dowry, he would have no issues in accepting it if the gal’s family made an offer!
I was stunned by that for a moment or two. Of course, I vehemently opposed it because, for me, this is analogous to the bribe issue. The person offering the bribe is not the only guilty party. The person accepting the bribe also has to share part of the blame because he/she encourages further such offers. (The whole vicious cycle makes it impossible for an ordinary man to access the concerned service).
Something similar happens in the dowry scenario. The moment it is known that you were open to dowry or you accepted it, some girl parents would rue the fact that they didn’t reinforce their candidature with cash. Next time, they and others around them might not repeat “the mistake” of not offering dowry. So even when you don’t “demand” dowry, by accepting it, you still encourage this inhumane practice that discriminates against the gal child, trapping some parents into valuing and looking after boys more or better than girls. In poorer and worse-developed communities, this also gets reflected in heightened female foeticide rates. (Recently, this prompted the government to open centres where people can abandon unwanted daughters.) The other injustice is to the girl parents who have to raise the dowry amount, by begging, borrowing or stealing, almost literally. In any event, the Indian society needs to cut back needless expenses on marriages, funerals and what not.)
Recently, while interacting with the people of a village in Ahmedabad, we learnt that the poor farmers there spend close to 1 lakh on a marriage. It’s a ludicrously high amount considering that there were barely any children going beyond standard 7 in the entire village, comprising close to 1200 occupants. We had gone there to work for children’s education but it turned out that we would have to educate the “uneducated” adults first. Now, it turns out that we may have to educate some of the “educated” adults first (what kind of a spineless loser feasts on others’ money – dowry?).
Filed under: Social Issues | Tagged: daughter, dowry, educated, girl child
Good point! By the comment I would like to add two points. 1)woman who force their parents to give dowry.
2)Apart from not accepting the dowry, a groom should make brides parents believe that, in current or future time, any problems that are to arise between the couple wouldn’t be because dowry wasn’t taken.
Coming to first point, I came across few girls who are very keen from grabbing more bucks from their parents, as dowry/gift. They literally force parents to give money. Might be the reasons because daughters got less importance than sons. Or may be self centered behavior that they are leaving parents for entire life, so its better to grab possible perks in name of marriage. I urge women to take a stand and avoid doing this. Because these kinds of social issues not only affect their lives but the fellow girls lives too.
The second point though not clear, it is very straight forward. Suppose the groom didnt accept dowry, but in future they couple had some problem. The girls parents shouldn’t feel that the problems aroused because they didn’t gave dowry. If it happens they would go and spread the word that because of not giving dowry their daughters is suffering. By the word the fellow parents would offer dowry, even if the groom doesn’t want it.So what I say is the groom should ensure that their life wouldn’t have serious problems.
For few It would be tempting to take money for free, but no satisfaction would result by the money obtained without any hard work/work.
Hi
Good to see your Blog with level of content as expected!!!
I had same conversations couple of times with my REDDY friends who are famous for dowry.My colleague wanted to come US becz it makes his market value increase from 50 lac to 1Cr. :))))))))))) .For em he was a******l.If you are doing this this then what is benefit of your education..That was first question come in my mind?I explained a bit but all worthless.
After 2 monhs , got scenario which makes me to think whole dowry case different way.
Case happened like this, another my friend was about to leave for india and ready to take dowry if they wants to give t their daughter.So again conversation starts.
He said two things that I would not ustand until I stand at his palce in his shooes.
1) His dad is under debt of 23 lacs which he gave to his daughter ,I will say why do we need to give girl to some family who takes it but they feel ,But acco to them its their society and girl must marry in society so they can also live in society.
It was too heavy for me to ustand and digest too.
2) He said, if he does ntot ake it then peopel doubts on him that , Guy must have some problem and thats why he is not taking it.
Whats your thinking on this
i pretty much agree to ur ideas..even i’ve the same… but i know many of my “well educated” frens (most of their families have links to villages) who openly admit tht they ll take whatevr dowry comes thr way… this used to shock me first but now having herd the same from many ppl, hv come to see the reality… how many we may make about the modernization of our society.. issues like dowry and caste appeasement/discrimination are her to stay for long unless some revolution takes place…
Thanks for the response, Aditya. I empathize with what you are saying. But I differ with you in that there is surely something that we can do to exterminate issues like dowry, cast discrimination. The simplest and the easiest way would be to lead by example and spread the word potently. Let’s at least disinfect our surroundings!
Waiting for a revolution is as good as sitting idle and giving in to the fate. Who knows, with the “net”-powered, enhanced social networks, your and my words/thoughts can travel much faster and longer than they ever did.
Interesting observations, Sat. What I liked the most was the last sentence: “no satisfaction would result by the money obtained without any hard work/work”.
This is to Aditya and Abhishek.
Aditya, you said you saw the reality. (So, do u accept taking and giving dowry as the ground reality?)
Abhishek, you said: “After 2 months … makes me to think whole dowry case different way. ” (I assume that you sympathise with your friend who wanna help his father).
Who ever give/take/support dowry are greedy and need to be boycotted by the society. There may be many issues, like “if you dont take, they will think X about u”. How diff is to say just “No” on the face of money or material that comes in the way of marriage from girls side? It shows that one lacks conviction in saying “no” to dowry. Even if it is given with love and care, return it with same love and care along with a “no thanks”. The fact is that, quick money is what todays world is looking for. That is why in Abhishek’s case the girls father went in debts, and her brother had to “save” his father by accepting dowry. In any case, the boy (bcos he takes dowry) and his father (bcos he gave dowry) are criminals and we don’t need to sympathise with criminals. The father should not have given dowry in the first place, realizing that what he thinks to be the wellbeing of his daughter (read dowry) is making the lives of many equally eligible brides (and their parents) a living hell.
Hey Abhi, you have mentioned two very important and pertinent points.
The first point directs us to the deplorable fact that dowry has become a part of the social status of the parents, both ways. The guy parents feel proud that they are worth so many bucks. The gal parents seem to wanna save their face by stating to the society that they had it in them to give so many bucks so they are not to be deemed outcast.
The thing, Abhi, is that an educated, well-bred, thinking parent of the modern era, typically, does not support dowry in principle but due to the fear of the so-called society, some dare not to take the traditionally less-chartered path. That’s why you, I and all similar minded people need to stand up and make an emphatic statement, assuring them that they are not the lone travelers on this path.
The second point also is a symptom of the “society syndrome”. I agree that if one guy is unwilling to accept dowry, the gal can suspect him to be “not-up-to-the-mark”. But when more and more guys join hands, they have no option but to do away with their doubts.
In any case, a person needs to have certain principles which he/she must not comprise come what may (or admit being a loser and hang yourself). So, if some idiotic gals suspect you to be impotent, judging by your denial to take dowry, show them the bloody door and wait until you get a proud gal who you are worth (you anyway wouldn’t wanna marry a gal who correlates dowry and your marital credentials).
I hope the above makes sense to you and makes your thoughts clearer on the issue. In one sentence, we require “unity to ensure sanity”.
On a slightly deviant track, by “you” above, I didn’t Abhi :). I meant any male.
i just came across this blog and really found this interesting, and somehow staying in north india for almost a year, i have seen this dowry to it’s highest reality so couldnt control to comment here. there dowry is mostly demanded in terms of gold, land, cars or any other expensive materials.
let me here first analyse satish’s comments here, its not always right to blame a girl for the dowry. say in what case a girl will force her parents to give dowry to her in-laws.. those would mostly be the cases of uneducated/unemployed girls, who does not have much financial security and also the cases of arranged marriage where she is insecure about her upcoming married life and the impacts of not giving dowry in her life. most common expectation of a girl would be dowry in terms of gold, which she might be sure that it will stay with her and may be helpful in case she requires any financial help in emergency situations.. i have not come accross any other cases than these. so a girl forcing parents for dowry is not always negative.
completely agreed to pulkit, the main important role in dowry exchange is played by ’society syndrom’, where people/parents need to show off to so called society. i have seen some of my guy friends from hariyana discussing about how much land in dowry they would expect from girl’s parents, which brand of car they will ask for to girl’s parents.. and this used to make me sick of that place. but i guess this issue will still remain for one more generation untill the present generation will start the trend of marriages without dowry.
I am in complete agreement with all you said, Sejal, except that I used to believe that dowry was prevalent to a much lesser degree in North India. Which place(s) did you refer to in your comment?
well dowry is in the highest degree in north india. Before staying there I even used to believe this, but after staying in hariyana (gurgaon) 4 around a year i came to know abt the hard reality of ppl there. The budgets for marriages in north india, rajasthan is 3 times more than the ammount gujaratis spend over their marriages.
Hi,rishab here,the only 1st thing is tht a boy have to decide he have to take dowry or not simply from my point of view as now a days dowary has been given as a beg, they think we r begining to them bt frm my point of view i will not take dowary bcoz i believe in love marriage.simple no party no dhamaka simply main uska aur wo meri.but by taking dowary we r creating a fear.simply who have a littile bit of humanity they dont take dowary.bye rishab
[...] the entire post at: http://pulzinponderland.wordpress.com/2007/10/22/me-and-dowry-of-course-not-unless-offered/ previous:Marriages & Inequality: A Flawed Correlation by Pulkit parikh [...]
I would probably be wrong if I say I didnt accept any dowry from my inlaws when I got married.
Whether I accepted dowry or not depends on how one defines dowry.
Not sure how many of us would have given enough thoughts
about what dowry supposed to be and how it originated and being propagated over centuries.
_Assuming_ that our ancestors who started this practice
probably many centuries ago had some good reason,
I can think of one possible reason what it is supposed to have been.
It is supposed to be the gift provided by parents of bride and bridegroom, wherein the gift would consist of:
1. utensils used for cooking
2. clothes for the couple to be used for reasonable amount of time.
3. Jewels – Again there might be good reason behind jewels. Incase of emergency when the couple faces huge debts, these can be used to overcome the debts.
4. Same thing goes for any cash that is offered.
5. etc required to setup a house.
As I said both the parents contribute to this, though over time
the share of bride’s contribution ended up being greater.
Buying utensils – It may not be the case that bridegroom is not capable of buying it himself or demands this from bride’s parents. There is a possibility that in olden days when there is
no mass communication available & people learn only through experience and word of mouth, elders are more knowledgeable to figure out the needs of the newly married couple, better than the couple.
It might still be true to an extent even now.
If one defines dowry as anything and everything that is offered by parents (bride & bridegroom) to the married couple, I dont think there is nothing wrong in couple accepting things required to setup the house like utensils, crockery, clothes etc..
Anyway even people donate such gifts on functions,parties etc..
We dont call accepting such gifts from friends/relatives as unreasonable or dowry.
Do we?
Now coming to jewels, parents buy jewels to their children (boy or girl) before the marriage.
So I dont see anything wrong in accepting what the parents gift to their children during their child’s marriage.
But what I find wrong is the guy demanding expensive gifts from his inlaws.
What I find wrong is the guy is to have an expectation that his inlaws would/should provide without him asking anything/demanding anything.
Now coming to my marriage if dowry include utensils, bedsheets, towels, dresses (engagement, marriage etc),
then I accepted it.
But if defininition of dowry being discussed in this post does not include
the basic stuff but only includes expensive stuff, then I did not accept any dowry.
But my wife accepted dowry. Because she got jewels from her parents, not because I wanted it, but because she wanted it. She wants all of them and is not ready to part with any of the jewels (give them back to her parents/not accept it from her parents).
I am sure this is not the case with my wife only, but many girls in the present generation.
I even have no idea what were the jewels given to my wife
nor do I care to know either.
Post marriage I have not accepted anything and asked my wife also to not accept any money/jewels from my inlaws.
But it had bad side-effects.
1. My inlaws were unhappy with me.
2. My wife too was unhappy with me.
When I refused to accept gifts they gave me, it was misunderstood. Even in the past I have heard such occurrences from my friends.
So not accepting gifts too has its own negative side-effects
which might haunt you later. So one should use discretion
and not blindly decide what is wrong and right when
it comes to gifts/dowry.
Good intentions might yield negative results if you dont use your common-sense.
People should first understand what is dowry and what is not dowry or in other words what it supposed to be and what it got changed into over ages.
Instead of talking about eliminating dowry, restore the proper meaning to it. Educate people about dowry.
Would like to know views of Pulkit and others against dowry about what I have said above.
@Praveen: If I got you right, you are pitting a willingly given gift against something obtained by force or ceaseless pestering. I principally agree with your point that if someone is happy to give something to me, I can’t be faulted for accepting it. Unfortunately, the way it happens in dowry is that some people’s generous gifts allow other greedy ones to uphold that practice as a norm. That’s when the exploitation of women for cheap money begins. If all those generous people hold their (usually expensive) gifts back, those planning on asking for dowry would find it a lot more difficult. There surely are other (better) ways of expressing your feelings than gifting a piece of land or a big lump of gold. Hope you see the point. Having said all that, I see that some discretion is required; not all small gifts can be called dowry. One can also excuse some help extended by parents whose son-in-laws are in the middle of a serious financial crisis. But, there are very few such cases.
It is very similar to the marriage issue. As long as you the person spending the money doesn’t mind, there is nothing “immoral” about it. The trouble, however, is that it has become a trend, an unwritten social rule. So, with every person getting married in a fancy way, the poor/lower-middle class are under a tad more pressure to squander away their hard-earned money into one ostentatiously grand party i.e. the wedding. [Related post]